percayalah padaku
by shafilaschtein
Summary: Mikasa still feels that she lost herself. Jean's dejected feeling is affected by it.


Attack on Titan by Hajime Isayama. I don't take any material advantage from writing this story.

_percayalah padaku_ means _believe me_. I'm sorry for any grammatical errors. Feel free to correct me!

/

In the middle of his sound asleep, Jean feels his bed is moving and makes it a little askew. The heat that doesn't come from his blanket creeps to his back. Someone's hand rounds his waist as far they can. A body moves closer to his back. The warmth of their breath blows his neck.

He didn't hear anyone open his bedroom door. The room is his only, as a privilege for him who's not an ordinary soldier anymore, but a commanding officer.

Jean holds the hand immediately and strokes it softly. He can feel how heavy his eyes are and hasn't been opened fully. The room is dark, he stays still from turning his body and can't see anything, but he knows exactly who's the person behind him.

"Mikasa." His voice is hoarse from his sudden woke up. His thumb still strokes Mikasa's hand softly while he is turning his body to face her. Jean hugs Mikasa back tightly. Her face is on his neck and he can feel the dampness on her cheeks. "What's wrong?"

Mikasa doesn't answer. Jean tightens his hold on her and strokes her hair. Her breath is trembling, he knows she is crying. The dampness he feels on his neck has turned into complete wet.

Jean doesn't force Mikasa to answer him. He knows she needs time to control herself before being able to tell him something. He presses his hand into her scalp until her forehead is reachable for his kiss. His eyes still feel heavy, his brain says that he needs to continue sleeping, but he fights them all for Mikasa. He waits until the vibration of Mikasa's breath turns into normal and no tears that drop to his neck.

"Jean," whispers Mikasa. Her voice sounds like someone who's talking while getting their nose pinched. Jean hums. He pulls back to face Mikasa. The darkness doesn't reflect anything. He turns on the sleeping lamp on the table beside his bed. He wipes the trail of her tears. He feels a pang on his chest seeing the agony on Mikasa's face.

"The headache came again." She still talks through whispers. "It's worse."

Jean sighs. He frowns. The tip of his fingers massages Mikasa's scalp. He kisses her forehead again. "Does it still hurt?"

Mikasa shakes her head. "It has been gone since I walked here."

"It never made you cry before," said Jean. He stares at her with worry in his eyes. "What's wrong?"

Mikasa shuts her mouth tightly. Jean can feel Mikasa's chest is moving with a normal rhythm. He stares at Mikasa patiently. The sleepiness that comes to him is not in his mind anymore.

Mikasa grips the back of his t-shirt tightly. She bites her lips before saying, "I lost myself."

The silence comes as if the situation is as quiet as before Mikasa laying on the space on his bed. Jean understands her words. He recalls she told him about Eren's words regarding the Ackermans. It took time for Mikasa to finally tell him about that since they were classified themselves as a pair. He remembers Mikasa's voice was trembling when she said that, but her face looked so tough without any single tears. He doesn't understand why it really bothers her this time.

Jean pulls Mikasa's chin until they are in an eye-to-eye position. He smiles sadly. His throat is ready to deliver words like: "We had talked about this, Mikasa." But, he holds it. He's afraid he will make Mikasa feel like she's exaggerating and that will make her feel intimidated. Jean touches her cheek and rubs it with his thumb.

"I don't know you when you were a nine years old little girl and how you were back then, but for me, you are you. You're still Mikasa," said Jean with a delicate tone.

"But—"

"I will stay loving you, no matter if you are the Mikasa that you said is your true self when you were still a nine years old girl, or you are the you right now after your Ackerman instinct was triggered."

"Jean." The corners of her eyes are wet again. She doesn't cry in silence anymore, she starts sobbing. "I still think about Eren. Is he still okay? Is he still alive? Is he in danger?" Her words are cut by her sobs. "I feel bad. I've been with you this whole time, but …" She covers her face with her hands. Her sobs are getting louder but sound faint.

Jean feels like his neck is throttled. Based on Mikasa's story back then, what made her being so protective about Eren was her Ackerman instinct which was activated by him. Nevertheless, it still makes him uncomfortable. It still makes him _annoyed_. He shuts his eyes tightly and controls his breathing.

"Mikasa," calls Jean softly. Mikasa drops her hands from her face. "Tell me. Do you feel okay with the you right now?"

Her shoulder is instantly tense after hearing that question. She is quiet for a long time, which Jean catches as an inability to answer.

"You were being the best soldier in our generation because of that. Instructor Shadis said you were a prodigy because of that. You were believed equal with a hundred ordinary soldiers because of that. You were, are, being the strongest person that I've ever met beside Captain Levi because of that." A genuine smile comes to his face. He moves Mikasa's hair that was on her cheek to the behind of her ear. "Once again, I don't know how you were when you were still a nine years old and under or before _that_ incident, but from what I conclude, the changes that happened to you were only your power and," he pauses for a while and swallows his saliva that tastes bitter, "your devotion to Eren. I'm certain the old you is still here." His index finger is pointing to where Mikasa's heart is located.

Mikasa is still silent. She wipes her tears for the last time because it doesn't flow anymore. Jean pulls her hand and put it beside her body. His fingers stroke her neck delicately, the neck that has been a long time isn't wrapped by the scarf from Eren. She said she had left it behind. She doesn't want to wear it anymore. The awareness about that makes the tightness that fills Jean's chest decreases.

"Have you ever not thought about Eren and felt that you need to protect him?"

Mikasa shuts her eyes for a few seconds. When her eyes are opened, she nods.

"I think that was the time when you're turning back into your old self, Mikasa. You have never lost it from the start." Jean touches Mikasa's arm. When he realizes that his hand is trembling, he pulls it back to the side of his body. "What does … Eren mean to you right now?"

"He's my family," Mikasa answers without a pause. "He is someone that I really care about."

Jean nods. _Do you love him?_ The question is spinning inside his head. But, he doesn't want to know the answer. Another question slips from his mouth instead.

"Do you love me?"

Mikasa looks into his eyes straightly. "Yes," she whispers.

"Tell me. Say it to me."

Jean knows he sounds desperate. He should have been the one who comforts Mikasa right now, but he also needs something to hold on to.

Mikasa strokes Jean's hair. He feels like she can sense his discomfort. With her damp face and swollen eyes, she smiles. "I love you."

He kisses Mikasa's forehead again. "That's enough for me," he whispers, still sounds desperate.

Mikasa cups his face. She whispers, confessing her love again right in front of his lips before kissing him. Jean holds her nape to deepen their kiss. When their lip-lock is cut off for a while, Mikasa whispers another love words. Jean's response to the kiss which was desperate before is now softened. He bites Mikasa's lip softly before soothing it with his tongue.

He is aware of how Mikasa convinced him about her feeling for him multiple times. It makes him think that he needs to convince her again about how she will always be Mikasa, with her Ackerman instinct or not, now or before that traumatic incident hit her.

He feels his chest is full, but not in tighten meaning. He loves Mikasa for a long time. He wants to make love to her while convincing her. His hand holds Mikasa's hip and squeezes it. He moves to be on her. " You don't lose yourself, Mikasa." He kisses her cheeks. "You are still Mikasa." His kisses creep to her chin, jaw, and neck. "No matter what happened, you're still Mikasa for me. No matter what you feel about your personality or your whole self, I will stay loving you. I will always love you."

Mikasa's face is reddened, he doesn't know if it's because of his words or his acts. He kisses her lips deeply once again. Her hands are circling his neck. When the oxygen inside their lungs is getting thinner and thinner, he controls his breathing before kissing her neck. He bites her skin softly and soothes the spot with his tongue. He sucks on her vein. Mikasa moans when his kisses are going down to her collarbone.

His hand slips to the under of her t-shirt. He strokes the warmth on her skin softly while taking the cloth off of her through her head. Jean kisses and sucks on the part of her breast that isn't covered with a bra. She arches her back and pulls at his hair. "Jean," she moans.

When their bodies are free from any clothing, his touches become more intimate. In every touch and kiss, he harbors his fondness and love that fills his chest for her. She touches him too, from his shoulder, arm, chest, and the hard abdomen that is formed well because of years of his life in the military. She kisses Jean's neck and sucks it hard. He knows it will leave a red spot on him. Her hands go down and the touches become more intimate. He bites his lip to hold his groan. He feels his desire is tingling on every inch of his body.

Jean thrust himself into Mikasa. He feels they are wholly connected and enjoys how his body and hers become one. Mikasa screams his name. Her fingers press his back hard. He groans.

He is positioning his face to make Mikasa and him face each other. His gaze on Mikasa is so full of adoration. Their breathy moans are airing in front of each other's mouth. "Mikasa," Jean groans. "I love you." He kisses her passionately.

Jean still kisses her face and lips after they are done. He combs her hair—the hair that made him had a crush on her for the first time—using his fingers. Her hair is longer now, about an inch under her shoulder. He recalls Mikasa ever told him that before she became a soldier, she always let her hair lengthen. Jean counts that as before the traumatic day happened to her. His feeling about Mikasa hasn't really realized that the real her is still inside her and slowly starts to show up to the surface is getting stronger. He smiles before kissing her again.

"You don't lose yourself, Mikasa. You're still here."

Mikasa wipes Jean's forehead that glows because of his sweat. Her hand creeps to his damp hair, twirling and stroking it. "Mm-hm. Thank you, Jean." Mikasa pulls back her chin then kisses his neck. She cuddles him. "I love you," she whispers to his skin.

Jean feels that Mikasa just convinces him once again and he was doing the same. They fast asleep with a belief that they convinced to each other.


End file.
